Cut the Crap: "Mental Illness" Stigmatises

Image from Ray Young Chu.

Pretty hung over yesterday with not much energy for anything. My unit was (and unfortunately still is) a complete mess and as much as it was bothering me I couldn't summon the energy to clean. Beer bottles all over the coffee table, wrappers, clothes strewn around. I sat on my couch for most of the day chain-smoking and thinking, chain-smoking and thinking...

I was thinking about the past a lot, my previous "psychotic" episodes, hospitalisations, the system, medication and mental illness in general. And I was going through so many different emotions that it was scaring me. Anger, frustration, confusion, stuff like that. And lots of tears. I know it had a lot to do with the alcohol from the night before and lack of sleep.

As I sat on the couch smelling my own body odour and disgusted by it, yet unable to get into the shower I was thinking of who I could ring to talk with. Like, anyone who might understand what I was going through. And you know what I found? There are people out there that do! They might not have had the same experience or learnt the same lessons from it, but they do understand that it can be hard.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is that I really, really felt very isolated and alone and that no-one did understand, but what I found in calling some different people is that if you can explain or allow yourself to express what it is you're feeling, that no one laughs, no one makes fun of you or thinks you're an idiot/stupid/weird/psychotic. The right people empathise and care.

Back in 1994 and 2002 I was sick. But not in the way "they" think and the longer we go on stigmatising, challenging, questioning, attacking, not-listening, not-trying to understand but simply medicate because it stops what's happening, the farther we are from truly dealing with that which presents itself in terms of "mental illness".

I know from my own experience of dealing with professionals when I was unwell, the way in which I was questioned, patronised and mistrusted led me to keeping a lot of what was going on in my head to myself. Sorry, but of the psychiatrists I've seen over time I don't think any of them really knew what was going on and we're all guinea pigs. There is something that needs to be tempered and medication seems to do the trick, but is it the answer?

However, I should say that since throughout history the treatment of those deemed mentally ill has improved dramatically (just think about "Bedlam") I think we're on a much better track. One thing I refuse to adopt however is the label of "mentally ill FOR LIFE" when I've only really had two isolated experiences with full-blown mental disturbance.

Anyway, that's enough for now because it's making me angry! Bye.

Switched to Overdrive and Running Out of Gas

Image from CCPhotos CPD... Apt for present state of being.

All I can say is WHAT A WEEK. I'm in overdrive and actively working to settle after quite a challenging time both at work, and now personally. To go into every detail of what has occurred over the last week would be tiresome (as my mind hasn't been on much else and I know I need now to put it all to rest), but I kind of want to get some of this down.

Have basically had a battle with my team leader at work due to some (perhaps unintentional) bullying behaviour with regards to sick leave I've taken and general miscommunication, mainly on his part. To cut a really, really bloody long story short, yesterday I was put in a meeting with said team leader, an HR representative and a union representative. Ultimately the meeting went very well from my perspective and many issues were brought up/confronted and hopefully things will change. He wasn't at work today and I haven't seen him since the meeting (which is probably a good thing), so will be interesting to see him again after the weekend.

However, I do now have some concerns about my mental health as having been in overdrive since Monday morning (when shit basically hit the fan at work between team leader and I), and having difficulty winding down. Finding myself second-guessing/questioning my thoughts and perceptions for "reality" and having mini panic attacks (like heart palpitations, butterflies, shallow breathing) which I've never had before. Consciously having to tune out things around me to focus, but then struggling or finding it a concern that I'm focusing too intently. Very hard to explain.

Such a fine frigging line I feel I'm walking, between what's real and what isn't. I think anyone reading this who knows me in person would perhaps be concerned that I might be losing it and I would request that if anyone reading this that does know me has any concerns, they direct them to me so I can address them... Challenges to some comments or thoughts that come out of me are actually welcome as an external take on stuff going on can be helpful. Hint, hint?

Gonna shut up now because things might get misconstrued.... I feel that if I verbalise too much of the chatter in my head right now I'll be locked away. Really, I'm ok! Going out later tonight to chill. Yep.

Um, PS. If you're going to challenge me, please make sure you do it gently. Firm or borderline "aggressive" challenges make me feel even more stressed due to the questioning which really, really makes me wonder... God I hope this makes sense.