The Road Already Paved: Recommended Reading

So many people with mental dis-ease suffer in silence, and yet there are so many that have travelled this well-worn path. For instance, two books in particular that have really helped me to understand my own condition are as follows (and they also come recommended by Sane.org).

The first of these is Anne Deveson's 'Tell Me I'm Here'. Her struggle to get help for her son who was stricken with debilitating illness is heartbreaking, and yet has paved the way for where the mental health system is today.

The second book I would recommend for greater insight into the mind of someone who has schizophrenia is Richard McLean's 'Recovered, not Cured'. The name says it all which is what I like most about this one.

Another book that is said by some to be "the bible of mental illness" is E. Fuller Torrey's book, 'Surviving Schizophrenia'. The book is particularly useful for family/friends/relatives of those afflicted wishing to gain greater understanding or insight into various schizophrenia-related conditions.

Nora the Piano Playing Cat

This cat is simply so beautiful I couldn't resist posting the clip of her. Her name is Nora and her human is a piano teacher which makes it all the more wonderful that they found each other.

The Psychotic Dream

The following was an entry in my dream journal just prior to my second major psychosis experience. Interestingly, the book I am currently reading - 'Fugitive Minds' by Antonio Melechi - states that ancient Greeks thought that dreams were nocturnal insanity.

April 25th, 2002
Don't know where to start with this one, it was all over the place. But essentially, I was living in some rooms of a large building that had used to be an old school boarding house and there were lots of people coming and going, both familiar and unfamiliar. Part of me felt happy, but another felt scattered and not sure how to deal with all the people. The rooms were divided oddly in terms of where people lived and where I lived and I couldn't establish which rooms were mine and even when I did, it would change so that others came and took over the space. At times I had more rooms and at other times I seemed to have less. But all the while people were coming and going through my space. The house itself was huge - a mansion or building with many rooms and levels.

At one stage a young male plumber came in and said he had some work to do but I put my elbow to his chest and wouldn't let him come in - I kept telling him I hadn't asked for anything to be done. I was quite bothered and offended that he was trying to come in without being asked.

At another point I was sitting outside on a concrete sort of step that ran around the perimeter of a circular space where lots of people were milling around. There were some guys standing up near me and I think I knew them. A homeless man sitting next to me turned around and said something I couldn't understand. He had beard growth over most of his face and vivid glowing blue eyes, blue covering his eyeballs, with no whites and he was grinning strangely. One of the guys responded to him for me and his attention was then directed away which was a relief. The started talking about some decision that John Howard [Australia's prime minister for those who don't know] had made in relation to Australia's indigenous population.

In another part of the dream I was walking along with some people unfamiliar to me, but still familiar somehow. The girl to my left kept turning around and telling me to "stop it". I didn't know what she was talking about as I wasn't aware of having done anything to her. But then I realised that some part of me had been reaching out and touching her without my being aware of it at all. I got very freaked out by this and was afraid that I couldn't control myself. I then felt a touch of something or someone at my back and turned to find nothing or no-one there, followed by another touch at my side. I was even more freaked out at this point as I thought I was going completely mad, and then I saw my shadow on the ground in front of me which distracted me.

Some words of analysis: As stated above, this dream occurred just prior to my second major experience of psychosis and I think there are some definite indications, looking back, that suggested this was imminent. Of greatest significance to me is the parts of the dream in the mansion wherein I was having difficulty finding my own space as defined by the walls of the rooms and where other people were. It is said that people in the midst of psychosis experience a loss of boundaries that so-called 'normal' people have no difficulty with.

Psychosis and a Hospital Stay

During July of this year I spent 3-4 days in hospital for a third episode of psychosis. It was my briefest stay yet and I'm happy to say, I feel as if I've now fully recovered.

My memory of those few days is rather sketchy, but I do remember a few specific incidents that I feel like writing about. One such incident was the time that three or four of us were sitting in the common lounge-type area on the couches, laughing our heads off at something. Whatever it was, it was really damn funny. The next thing someone nods in the direction over my shoulder and I turn to find a nurse hovering over me with medication - valium to be precise - in hand. Two pills for me to take immediately. I wondered what I had done that was so wrong that warranted sedation as I had been feeling just fine and after all, they say that laughter is the best medicine...

For the most part I found the staff to be kind, but so far removed from the actual treatment of patients in the main adult psych ward as to not assist or intervene when I thought it could have been useful. The set up or layout of the ward was such that the nurses and staff sat behind a glass wall that looked out into the main areas - a room with a pool table, the lounge area and a hallway. I referred to their station as the observation deck or fishbowl.

At one point, in order to get their assistance after repeated knocking to no avail (they could see me through the window but simply looked up at me and then went back to their writing), I took a poster off the wall and shoved it up against the glass. It was a picture of a lovely looking, kindly nurse with the words "Nurses are here to help you". I had been having a panic attack and felt in need of some medication to calm me down, and it was the only way I could manage to get their attention.

There were other times where I felt the need to talk to someone, or I felt that someone else needed assistance and I was continually ignored. Like for instance when I found a piece of glass on the carpet outside the fishbowl that could easily have been stepped on by someone with bare feet or just socks on. Or when I tried to draw attention to the spots of blood on the ground outside that I wasn't even sure actually existed. Or when Tony, the older guy-patient from Macedonia who spoke very little English was sleep walking. Or when Chris was crying outside the nurses station, due to the break up of a long term relationship, severe depression and a breakdown of sorts and could have benefited from the attention of staff.

Hospital these days is a last resort. Community treatment is the preferred method of dealing with mental illness and I think in part this explains some of the behaviour of the nurses/staff during my brief stay insofar as their policy is of getting people back to 'normality' as soon as possible and avoiding dependence on the system. To their credit, the majority of staff were friendly, caring and did their jobs well. At the hospital I stayed in at the very least. In comparison with my previous experiences in hospital (if it is indeed possible to compare), this time around has been the easiest.