Question Everything

I've had various diagnoses over the years in relation to "mental illness", the majority of which I fought initially but have since taken on board. The shrink I was seeing was a professor, supposedly an expert in his field - internationally recognised and renowned to the point that if I mentioned his name, people had actually heard of him. Based upon an initial appointment and very little background he gave me the label/diagnosis of 'bipolar'. Since then, he offered a further diagnosis of 'schizoaffective disorder' which seemed more apt, but still it was based on his perception/interpretation of things I told him - framing of me in terms of one who is mentally ill, without question.

His advice was that I would have to be on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for the rest of my life, and that without the anti-psychotics there was "a one hundred percent chance" that I would have another episode. First, there's a one hundred percent chance that the sun will come up tomorrow, that one day I will die, that if I don't put on deodorant I will be stinky, but to say I have a one hundred percent chance of getting ill again without anti-psychotics? That's a joke. How can he possibly be so certain?

Secondly, prior to seeing his-highness, I saw a number of other shrinks immediately following my second psychotic episode who all seemed to have differing opinions, however, the majority agreed that I would need to be on the medication for a period of up to two years. This to me, is much more reasonable. We are talking about mental illness here. It's such an obscure realm to quantify and predict.

Not once during my time seeing the professor (over a period of about 2-3 years) did he perform any further analysis on me, eg. CT scan, other than to question whether or not I was having any psychotic symptoms. The only thing, the only value I could perceive in seeing him was in prescribing medication - and that is now what I'm questioning. I am not questioning the fact that I needed treatment at the time I had a psychotic break - there is no way I could have continued as I was without it. But for the rest of my life?

Reading this, one may wonder what the big deal is - so what if you have to take medication for the rest of your life? My issue with it is the fact that on medication, my thinking is altered in subtle, yet significant ways that I notice, whether others do or not. I want to be who I am without the hindrance of chemicals that are not only unnatural, but the long-term effects of which have not been adequately tested. It's one thing to take medication for diabetes or a heart condition - that I could accept and I'd willingly comply. But the mind is something else, something intangible...

Does this sound crazy?